Emotional Intelligence

When it comes to intelligence, we most often refer to our intelligence quotient, or IQ. However, another type of intelligence is emotional intelligence, or EQ, which is arguably more important to our careers and relationships than IQ. ⁽¹⁾

This is because those with a high EQ are better able to “play well with others,” which can make all the difference in how we are perceived by others—particularly bosses, dates and those in our social circles.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence the ability to recognize and express our emotions rather than masking them with other emotions, as well as the ability to recognize and influence the emotions of others. For instance, as men we are often driven to anger by events which are hurtful. This can be anything from not getting a hoped-for raise to a breakup in a relationship, either of which can be frustrating since we didn’t achieve what we had hoped. ⁽²⁾

However, even though we may feel anger and frustration as our primary emotions, it is our ego which is ultimately taking the hit in these cases. Where we as men often faulter is in not allowing ourselves to feel hurt, and instead we take the “tough guy” route to show the world how immune to pain we are.

What Difference does Emotional Intelligence Make?

In the event of rejection, mistake, etc., consider how an angry reaction vs one which addresses your true feelings, i.e. hurt, comes off to others around you. For instance, most of us have experienced the wrath of another such as a boss, a parent or a spouse. When this happens, our reaction to their anger is normally defensiveness and a need to protect ourselves, though rarely one of calm compliance. From this we can see that an angry reaction is normally not a productive one and instead has the potential to create–rather than alleviate–conflict.

However, let’s say you made a mistake at work which your boss needs to address. No, you did not make the mistake intentionally, and you are likely already aware of your need to do better the next time.

Now let’s imagine that rather than screaming at you about your lack of competence, etc., your boss instead approaches things calmly and with an understanding that perhaps you have already seen the error of your ways. They may say something along the lines of, “Have you learned something from what happened here?” and then proceed to have a constructive—and calm—chat about areas you may need help in or struggles you may be having which led to the mistake. In fact, they may also remind you of the good you do for the company and of the positive attributes your boss sees in you and express confidence that you will continue to improve so mistakes like this won’t happen again.

As you can see, this approach is far more constructive and motivational than angry threats or insults since it involves your boss understanding and swaying your emotions. It results in increased respect between parties and makes for a far more positive and constructive environment.

Creating Emotional Maturity

If you find that you are constantly struggling in your relationships with others, improving your emotional maturity will likely help. This is because it isn’t so much that others are plotting against you for no particular reason so much as you may be sending hostile, defensive and counterproductive messages through your actions and reactions.

For instance, try asking yourself a few questions, such as:

• Do I normally react with the first emotion I feel?
• Do I try to understand the point of view of others, or do I feel that mine are the only ones which matter?
• Am I motivated to achieve my goals?

Answering these questions honestly can help you determine your level of emotional intelligence so that you can understand where you may—or may not—need work.

For instance, if you tend to react with the first emotion you feel, you probably need to develop an approach which puts reaction on the back seat while you determine your true emotion.

Or, if you tend to view your opinions as black-and-white fact, you need to work on putting yourself in the shoes of others to better understand their point of view.

And, if you are unmotivated and have trouble setting and achieving goals, you probably need to identify the fear which is holding you back and face it.

And, all this requires a high EQ, which also means having empathy, self-awareness, social awareness and the ability to self-manage. ⁽³⁾

To improve these qualities, there are a few areas you need to identify and work on, including:

• Understanding and identifying your triggers to make yourself aware of them. Writing them down is recommended.
• Becoming aware of your level of emotional maturity an important step in improving it, or according to Nicole LePera, PhD, “The more conscious we become of our emotional immaturity, the more we have agency to change the behavior and grow into emotional maturity.”
• Label your emotions, and remember that the larger your emotional vocabulary, the higher your emotional maturity. This means using terms such as “I feel badly about this,” as opposed to “Damn that pisses me off!”
• Learn to ease your emotions using such techniques as going for a walk, meditating or hitting the gym.
• Don’t react to other people’s immaturity, and instead observe them and consider how their reaction reflects on your own. ⁽⁴⁾

Emotional Maturity Means Taking Responsibility

Above all, having high emotional intelligence means taking control of your life and being responsible for your actions. And, just as you go to the gym to work at keeping your body fit, developing emotional maturity also takes time, commitment and effort.

However, taking the time to establish such a commitment can make the difference between a lifetime of frustration, failure and poor relationships and success in all these areas.

References:

1. https://www.talentsmart.com/articles/9-Habits-of-Highly-Emotionally-Intelligent-People-2147446657-p-1.html
2. https://www.ihhp.com/meaning-of-emotional-intelligence
3. https://www.talentsmart.com/articles/9-Habits-of-Highly-Emotionally-Intelligent-People-2147446657-p-1.html
4. https://www.wellandgood.com/good-advice/emotional-maturity/

About Author

Scot Mills

editor

Scot Mills is a Freelance writer who uses his unique skills and passions to promote what he loves: natural health and fitness. Along with over twenty-years-experience in the natural and organic industry, Scot’s education includes graduating with top honors, for which he was invited to join the Sigma Beta Delta International Honors Society. When he is not writing, Scot is outdoors enjoying epic mountain bike rides, trail runs and hikes, and lives a mobile RV lifestyle with his wife, Amber and their beloved rescue terrier, Barney.

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